I haven't bothered making a new private blog for now, haven't had the time to be honest.

I am still at college, a few weeks left till I finish. It's okay I guess, but my exams next week and weeks after are creeping up. English, I think i'll do fine, Science, well what can I say. More revision needed.

I am still looking for a job for the holidays, as many as possible. I had an interview with Debenhams, and they did telephone me back but they want me to be able to work flexible in September as well, which is a no can do. They haven't had any success in finding me summer work so I guess Debenhams is off the list. I rang a job today and they are sending me a application form, cept well, I didn't give them my postcode I forgot. So either they realised that and thought I was thick, or they themselves put my telephone number as my postcode. Lets see whether any application forms arrive.

I really need a full time job in the holidays. Hewwits offered me some Industrial and Office work. I have to take the forms back when I've completed college and they'll register me. Although I am not doing Industrial work. Sounds a bit weird, how transport is an issue. What student has transport? Dan is still 16 and nearly finished his first year in sixthform. Sounds like they are trying to get students to do lots of hard work for minimum wage. Exploit them.

I have also applied for some voluntary work. Just something little in a charity shop perhaps. Youthcomm sounds promising I think they train you for one day[few hours] a week for about 6 months or something. Which is good. If I got some voluntary work behind a till that would help my cv as well. Plus I have plenty of things I can give to the shop.

I also start my first driving lesson next Thursday. Can't wait! I'm dead excited!!

Really trying to get my life in gear now, I am doing my last English Assignment in a bit, anything to try and help towards my examination. I've made a breakthough in the poetry work according to my teacher. I'm going to stop looking at the past and wishing I worked harder or did something differently. It is now that counts.

 

   I just finished the book I have been reading all week. The thrill of the story - I can't compare it to anything else. Yet, there have been a few books that have had a similar impact on me before, but this in a different way. The journey was as if I was there with Ester, re-discovering everything that had happened. As I watched the film version of the book I knew some things wern't as they seemed but they had changed it all for the film. The book was better in my opinion as books are most of the time. But I still liked the film version, although with the film I was left hating Gemma. With the book there was a kind of relaxed atmosphere, that everything was over. I can't get over what had happened, soon as the second from last chapter was coming to a close I had a feeling it was Gemma and not Coral. For one, It was Gemma in the film but I didn't think it was going to end the same, and Zac wouldn't die. I liked this way a 100 percent better, a brilliant ending they must have changed it to shorten it, stop the confusion that I didn't get reading the book. It was a truly amazing experence reading that. You get so involved with everything happening. The author is very talented.

 

Been such a while since I last posted, that I am not entirely sure what I've covered in my blog.

So far in my Easter holidays:

Monday:

Tuesday: Read a lot for my business studies work. Played Morrowind Elderscrolls III

Wednesday: I met Dan at 11, we were only planning to be in town a few hours and then head back but time went quickly. As planned I met Kari at 1.pm. She is such a lovely girl I can't believe how long it is since I've seen her. We had a good day the three of us. Dan running in an out of lots of shops looking for cork for his art work. Then in game, we saw an offer on for two Sims2 games. So we split it and we are sharing them now. I installed all the expansions on my laptop after borrowing them, they all work perfect as well. The only one I haven't got on is Seasons because Dan needs the disk for his computer. I love the business expansion.

Later when I got home Emily called for me with her dog, Jack. I walked the dog back and we walked back to mine, then I walked her home at 12am. Surprised I woke up early the next day.

Thursday: Woke up early to go to Matalan with my mum, but then she made a doctors appointment so we went a little later instead. Mum didn't get anything for her and Dad's holiday I hope she does soon, although the shorts in Matalan wern't very appealing, we'll have to go shopping next week. I managed to get my interview top, which I shall wear with my black trousers. I also bought some black, flat shoes as I can't really wear trainers now can I . There are some nice simple t-shirts in there at the moment so I bought one as they are cheap. It goes very well with the top I bought a while ago and haven't yet worn. A lady in the shop was talking to me about jobs and if I don't get the one i'm interviewing for I may apply at Matalan and work weekends. Sounds good, at least I've got more options.

I just wanna be happy.

But seriously, I have so many bad days lately that i'm actually getting used to. Seriously the shit that happens to me and I tell people and they're like, you what?

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Let's start with Tuesday  hmm.

Oh yeah I had a nice day apart from half my college mates not turning up. So I took the opportunity to know Tim. I mean he is sweet but that day I really just wanted to crawl in a corner in the libary and go to sleep. But everytime I mentioned how tired I was he invited me to his house and I was like no..I barely know you ..and I'm funny with guys with stuff like that, it's like giving them an invitation to get it on with you.

So we cruised round town all day and got to know each other and it was quite fun you know, I'd spoke to him twice before but never really chatted. To me it was like 'This is great..made a new friend in the class, I get along with everyone now and are good friends with most people.' For him it was like 'Omg this girl is going to marry me.'

It's like what? Seriously? I gave him no reason to think that, maybe I'm the first girl that has been nice to him I don't know but things were so awkward after, as all day he was slipping in hints into our conversation. But not questionable ones. He was talking like he could just snap his fingers and we'd date, if he wanted to move the relationship on, so much for shy guy hah. Seriously I don't wanna hurt this guys feelings but he should really see how someone else feels before discussing me stopping at his house. I was shocked he was like you can sleep at my house and have my bed...I'll sleep on floor. I was thinking...why I have spoke to you three times and you are talking about stuff like that! Even if the guy was incredibly hot I wouldn't do that no way. I know people are going to slate me for not going out with him at college but to go out with someone you have to be attracted to them, I know it is personality yes that is a big thing but you still have to be attracted to them..and i'm not I see him as a friend.

My friend said today I think Tim fancies you and I was like yeah I know, it's pretty obvious. He was like go out with him and I said no I don't want to. He didn't understand why, I would of explained but I was scared Tim would overhear and get embarrassed infront of his friends. So awkward now after Easter I'm just going to give him that video he lent me back, and back away from him. He'd get less hurt that way in the long run, if I carry on being good friends he'll get even more ideas..

I said to my other friend Tim fancies me. She said what no he doesn't. And I said he does it's pretty obvious. Then after she was like so how'd you know he fancies me? I was like..no I said me..and she's like aw go out with him you want a boyfriend..I'm like..yeah it's not like wanting some new jeans..although you do have to like jeans to get them but yeah..anyways.

Anyways, just when you though a day like that would just calm down, but, no.

I got to the train station early from my last lesson. I was sat next to a middle aged woman and this guy comes up to us staggering and asks us to move over. I let him sit, straight away to smell the alcohol on him, plus whatever he was smoking. Before anyone says anything, I WAS going to get up, but I was too scared, I'm like that around drunk or drugged up people especially when you don't know them. He started talking to me after the woman went, saying he was to go to Stourbridge, I had to remind him five times of that when he kept forgetting where he lived. He nearly got onto the train to London but I stopped him doing the thing every nice person does. Funny how someone that worked at the train station new he was plastered but didn't help him, instead, left him sitting next to a young girl.

 Good job he wasn't the violent drinker type. I helped him get onto his train as it was the same one as me. I sat down relaxed and then about 10 minutes later he staggered over to me, and started talking again. I felt so sorry for him, I mean he said himself he just wanted to get home and wash off but to get that pissed there must have been a reason. He looked just like John, thinner version and turns out his name was John. Which made my mum laugh when I told her. I hope he got off at the right stop.

Leanne was on the train, oh and Sam but he didn't even look at me, hah. Leanne was talking to me when she noticed me and said that someone I used to hang around with got stabbed in the neck, and survived two days ago, She said her name but I didn't recognise it. She said we all used to hang around together so either she is getting me mixed up with someone else or I didn't know this girl well, cause i'd remember. She said I'd know if I saw her so I dunno, I hope whoever it is is okay now but I just wish I could remember ugh. I've even forgotton the name now through all the noise. Anyway Leanne is great, she is much calmer than she used to be she even wants to go to Uni, so good luck to her she is doing great. I hope I bump into her again. So at least my day had one good highlight, kinda.

 

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Wednesday. Yes today...

Another shite day. It started off good, got to the station on time, I looked pretty good. Everything was fine until I was getting off the train in Worcester. Yeah, see I got up from my seat, and my jeans were stuck to something. Turns out I had sat on chewing gum. What kind of idiot leaves fucking chewing gum on a seat? Yeah someone who wanted a laugh..Oh god but I'm so used to shit like this happening I barely looked twice. I pulled my jeans from it, gather..there were a lot of people around me, on a busy train LOVELY. I embarrsingly took myself off the train and walked calmly to mcdonalds right down the road, with a big chunk of used chewing gum stuck to the back of my jeans. With tons of people able to see it, right on my ass. Seriously, I don't know how I didn't cry. It took me ages in Mcdonalds toilets to pick it off bit by bit. Bare in mind I felt like throwing up every two seconds due to it having had been in someones mouth. Ugh. Ugh. I feel sick writing about it but I have to get it off my chest. Seriously. I told everyone at college when everyone was talking about their days, but no one really said much. I think they'd say a hell of a lot more if it happened to them.

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Well I have the tickets and venue but of course I can't gO!

Oh well..

Saw Emily after Dan yesterday we had a blast. She's not pregnant but there is something wrong I think, but the doctors will find out what. We were on her Singstar game all day lmao such a laugh. We'll have to meet up in the hols for sure. I can't find our photo anywhere at home neither can she...weird.

If EMA pay me tomorrow I can get a top I spotted in town, won't be able to afford to eat for a week but it'll be worth it. Plus I break up Friday for 2 weeks, no more payments

I'm going down to Connections tomorrow to try and get a job somewhere, I know Dad said try an agency but I didn't know they were an agency till Tim said. I got a list of jobs going in Worcester but it'd be good if I could get one here. I've applied at the Severn Valley Railway for the 6 weeks holiday but if they don't get back to me under a week I'll have no choice but to go somewhere else if I get offers. I need the money either way,  although i'd love to work for them and it is right down the road. All I know is Cardshops are off the list as I've applied at up to 6, none get back and re advertise, hah.

My college are also going to get back to me in up to 2 weeks as I applied to do my Alevels in September. I also decided that as I have so long to do the Business Studies course I am going to work my ass off on it. To either get an A or B at June 08. I'd be so proud if I did.

 

Lmao.

I'm watching Along Came Polly on Tv totally hilarious!

   Today has been a long confusing day. I got to the station earlier than usual to find out my train had been cancelled. The next one was an hour, I mean my lesson was only hour long so what's the point? That was unless I got the train to Shrub Hill so I did and managed to not to get lost. Sam was walking down the path and I said it had been cancelled then I walked off. He managed a smile later on, and I think maybe one day we will make up, but then I look back at the argument he never apologised for those things he said...and I changed my mind...he needs to change otherwise it will be the same as before.

   Things are getting so confusing..my good friend from college..I think I'm getting feelings for him. Not like before, proper feelings and I don't know whether I want them or how to stop them. I feel he is acting a little different but I don't know..His girlfriend treats him like shit but he stays with her ...but he must really love her, or be scared to be on his own like he said when I asked. I'd never even consider going futher unless he was single anyway. The other thing is..I don't know whether it would work...he gets in so many fights..some funny I admit but sometimes it scares me..like Chemical and all that lot I wish he wouldn't hang out with him. Plus the drugs thing..he's not an idiot he wouldn't take heroin but the pressure everyone put on him to take drugs..he caved in and god I don't want that. He might not even like me that way I don't know..it's like you know when someone invades your personal space and you automatically move away cause you feel uncomfortable..well I did the other day, because I can get so nervous in situations like that. I wouldn't even sit between him and Hayley because we would have been so bunched up. But that was only because of everything being on my mind. Earlier on at college I just wanted to get home, now I just want to be at college and see how everything is going.. I don't know whether I'd be good enough for him anyway. He has asked me about 10 thousand times to go back to Mal, where he lives but I keep saying when I have money, In the holidays, Soon...because i've told him I'm shit scared of getting near to those friends of his. But it's also because i'd be uncomfortable. I dunno..I'll see what Friday is like I guess.

On another note my friend is convinced she is pregnant...How many people do I know that have babies or having is beyond me. But if she is and she wants the baby then I'll support her.

I want my own place UGHHHHHH.

I got a conference next monday and tuesday in Birmingham, they booked me a hotel room and everything, Dad waits until NOW to say he doesn't want me going, just like he did with London.

For fuck sake just fuck off will you. Amy moved out when she was my age but I can't go to Birmingham for the night? I know he is worried about my welfare but i'd rather get shot tomorrow if I knew I couldn't live my life to the full and do what I want to be doing. I'm nearly 18.

Mum also doing my head in, she said to me you don't understand why your brother has little confidence when he was bullied at school.

Hello? I fucking got kicked out went back and ended up dropping out because I had such a hard time. The only reason she doesn't know I was bullied in Middle school was because I don't want to make her more depressed then she is already. The reason I never went to her? Cause she would go down the school and kick their heads in and that would just make things a lot worse. I had zero confidence when I dropped out and she knows that but claims I don't know what it is like. Fuck off. UGHHH. I did eveything I can to get the confidence I have today and I still aren't major happy with myself but I've come a long way. It's different for everyone but how dare she say I DON'T KNOW how it feels. My brother would have a lot more confidence if people in this family were encouraging but NOOO. The people that gave me confidence were my friends.

Twats at time, I love them to bits but seriously. I'll be dragged down if I don't get my own place in a few years. Go on the pissin doll if I have to.

http://www.ypnmagazine.com/news/index.cfm?fuseaction=full_news&ID=13383

 

The British Youth Council is calling for a standard minimum wage, applied to everyone over 16, as the Government outlines its response to a report on the impact of the minimum wage on disadvantaged groups.

The Department of Trade and Industry was to respond today (Wednesday) to a report by the Low Pay Commission (LPC).

The BYC argues that the minimum wage of £3.30 per hour for 16- and 17-year-olds leaves them open to exploitation. In the LPC's report, it argues that lower pay should only apply to young people on fully-accredited training.

www.dti.gov.uk.

Everyday is one of those days lately, it drives me mad. I can't just go out no. I have to make sure I look perfect and my hair is prefect and my clothes have to be ironed 10 million times and I'm never happy. I buy nice clothes and then I get bored and want different ones, It's like I hardly have any money to my name as it is but I can't control it. I even started straightening my hair to make it STRAIGHTER, despite the fact that using straightners ruins your hair I think it looks better anyway. If someone looked at me they would not think I spend so much time on myself. If I put weight on already I wouldn't have so much as a problem to look better anyway because I'd be able to pull off wearing creased clothes and god knows what, it's just the fact that right now I don't want to look like some deprived child. UGH. I'm having one of those days really!!!!!! Where nothing is perfect but I want it to be.

Yeah today sucked all my plans we're cancelled when I got really ill in town, poor Dan, I was trying to suck in the pain so I didn't freak him out but instead I got very stressy around him. Ohh well. So yeah I’ve been in bed all day ands still am, I just read this:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/education/6426945.stm?ls

 

Not to be cruel but seriously, I know people are desperate but that is stupid to do something like that. In fact so stupid people that did it shouldn't be allowed it. No matter how desperate I was I wouldn't resort to copying something off the internet as my statement. I'd be honest about the reasons I want to go to University. If I couldn't think of a good enough reason I'd re think why I was applying. I know people are very desperate to get in but that is not the way around it.